Friday, October 9, 2009

Yeh kahan aa gaye hum?

I dont know which road it was that i walked on, which road it was that lead me to you. It didnt feel like 12 years. It felt like it had been only 12 seconds since we last saw each other. A mysterious connection, some would say. But only you and i know what this means. How those random memories drew us together, those nights of random laughing. Randomness seems to follow us everywhere. You say im a dreamer, that i always was one.
In reality, we're both dreamers.
I love that feeling of protection you give me. It engulfs me. It feels like im with you, where ever you are. As though you want me with you
But now, having said it all, i don't see why you would want me. When you can get anyone you like, why would it be me? I feel like ive set my hopes too high. Im trying to focus on the Law of Attraction. I want this to be, not only in spirit, but in a tangible form, if anything ever was. I wish for this to happen and yet i question this wish. Why am i so confused? What is it about you that numbs my senses and clouds my judgement? I don't want to fall into the same trap again, but you tempt me. And i cant resist temptation.
I know our aim was to avoid me being suspended in mid air, but thats where i am right now. I need you to release me. To help me come down. To be my safeguard. I want you to tell me where we are, where i stand. Who i am to you. I need you to answer my questions, because i am lost now. Lost like i have never been before.

Friday, July 17, 2009


To You,

I remember the first time we met. The time it really counted. My white shirt. Your black one. Looking back, the contrast always existed. Your first attempt at teaching me hindi, i was pretty successful i think. I remember the first brief hug, the anticipation of attraction. You met me again. We shared our first hookah, our first cigerette in the back alleys of def col. How cool were we? I still see that auto waiting, the dark night, the crowded streets, the muffled noises, the longing eyes.

The first Goodbye.

Then came the first text message, the first phonecall. The conversations started, the attraction grew. Distance did make the heart fonder. You helped me with my grandfather, you calmed me down. I still hear that soothing voice sometimes. I miss it. The promises of meeting again were made. Our hearts made covenants silently at midnight. You asked me that question and i gave you that answer. Two became one. I couldn't have been more happy. Every night was perfect, every breathe had a purpose. It was everything i had ever wanted. And i came back. Our first holding of hands, siting together peacefully. The first real hug, the first kiss. Gentle, slow, Hesitant. The elevator, eyes closed, scared. The drive. The beauty. You. And then you did what you did and i couldnt let go of you. It was then that i feel in love with you. I remember the rasgullas. No rasgulla had ever tasted that good. Im punjabi, what can i say? I remember the first present. How cute you looked in that shirt. A promise of being together was made with a fiery intensity.

The second Goodbye.

And then it all started. The love grew, but so did the confusion. All the misunderstandings, all the efforts to break us apart, but we still stuck together. All the secrets were shared. The late night conversations echoed. Secrets of Love and the full moon. Then came the fights, the explanations, the justifications. Still, an underlying sense of needing to make it better. To say that i wasn't leaving. I never thought i would. Then you came to me. It was all i could ever have asked for. We finally knew what it felt like to be with each other. I remember just lying with you, looking at you. Feeling you. Feeding you. Every dream was coming true. The world was perfect, you were with me. I knew then that my heart belonged to you. Everything i did was for you. I never wanted to pull away from you. The sacredness of your bracelet. You left me with a promise of change.

The third Goodbye.

It didnt get better. My birthday came and you made it special but that was it. I had to leave and you cut me out. You lied to me. You broke my trust. I had endured it for far too long. Every vision that i had of you was shattered. I broke.

The fourth Goodbye.

You continued to keep in touch, I was hesitant. I knew I would fall in love with you again. But I couldn’t help it and all the love in the world came back to me. I got back. We went back to the beginning. I knew you had sent her messages but I put that behind me. We went back all the way to the beginning. How beautiful it was. I trusted you. I believed you. And you lied to me. You still continued to message her. You hurt me. I could feel the pain. You were always just a guy playing his game. I was numb. I cried. You told me you loved me. For once, I wanted to be the only girl you were saying it to. I wanted you to just mean it.

But that isn’t the case. You have gone back to her. I have no objection, its destiny after all.

This is purely from me to you. From my heart to yours. It probably means nothing to you. My words, my feelings, my tears. I don’t expect it to. You weren’t a joke to me. You were my everything. You have already moved on and I expected nothing else.

You meant the world to me. You were my friend, the one I was in love with. What I would have done for you. This is not an attempt to get you back. This is me finally letting go. I wish you could have understood my mute language, I wish you could have heard the words I hadn’t spoken, seen the dreams I hadn’t dreamt. I wish you could have read my mind.

The dreams, the conversations, the rasgullas and the love will always stay with me. Delhi will always be associated with you. Its sad that we weren’t able to build our bridge across forever.

I have loved you like how only a woman loves a man. I have cried for you like how only a woman cries for a man. I have lived for you. And now, I am letting you go like how only a woman in love can let go of a man.

This is it.

The final Goodbye.

Sunday, July 12, 2009

Fullstops, Commas and Question marks.

I want it to end, for i feel the end will bring me peace. The silence, the beauty, the lonliness. I dont want the noise, i dont want the confusion. I just want you and me. Away from everyone, away from everything. I want you to be my peace. I need you to be my end.
Im here waiting for you. Memories for the sake of memories. Silently begging for them to be relived.
Why is it so confusing? Why are we still playing these games? Why am i not what you want? There are too many questions and im scared of the answers. I wish now more than ever you could read my mind. I wish you could understand my mute language. I wish you could hear the words i havent spoken. I wish you could see the dreams i havent dreamt. I wish you could feel what im too scared to touch.
We are two different people now, two different souls. But why do i still feel tied to you? Why do i still feel a connection? I hate you for what you do to me.
Last night was scary. Alone, in the dark and you know ive never been scared of the dark before. This morning was strange, almost absurd.
I woke up, finally, to the light of your darker side.

Saturday, July 11, 2009

The Saggy Armchair

Love demands expression. It will not stay still, stay silent, be good, be modest. be seen and not heard, no. It will break out in tongues of praise, the high note that smashes the glass and spills the liquid. It is no conversationist, love. It is a big game hunter and you are the game. A curse on this game. How can you stick at a game when the rules keep changing?
I will call myself Alice and play croquet with the flamingoes. In wonderland everyone cheats, and love is wonderland, is it not? Love makes the world go round. Love is blind. All you need is love. Nobody died of a broken heart. You'll get over it. It'll be different when we are married. Times a great healer. Still waiting for Mr. Right? Miss Right?
Its the cliches that cause all the trouble. A precise emotion seeks a precise expression. If what i feel is not precise, then should i call it love? Its so terryfying, love, that all i can do is shove it under a dump bin of pink cuddly toys and send myself a greeting card saying, "CONGRATULATIONS!". I am desperately looking the other way so Love wont see me.
I want the diluted version. The sloppy language, the insignificant gestures. The saggy armchair of cliches. Its all right, millions of bottoms have sat here before me. The springs are well worn, the fabric smelly and familiar. I dont have to be frightened.
They did it. Now i will do it. Arms outstreached, not to hold you, no. Just to keep my balance. Sleepwalking to that armchair.
How happy we will be. How happy everyone will be.
And they all lived happily ever after.

Saturday, May 9, 2009


There was fire all around us, fire in between us. 
I felt helpless. I didn't want him to go, i didn't want this to be the end. The flames had started to rise, the heat enough to melt us. The fire was taking him away from me. My scream was stuck in my throat. My thoughts frozen in my head, not even the fire could melt them. I didn't want him to go. I didn't want this to be the end.

 There was nothing i could do. I stood still. Our eyes met. The memories flooded my mind. My eyes closed as the images flashed by. The songs. The dances. The whispers. The secrets. The lies. The darkness. The fear. The safety. The love. The fights. The lust. The words. The endings. The beginnings. The laughter. The tears. The rain. The sun. The dreams. The pain. 

It seemed surreal. My surroundings began to fade, the fire was growing. I needed him to touch me. To hold me one last time. To breathe with me. I needed the smell of his skin, the smell that my mind associated with safety. I needed to look at the sky one last time with him holding me close. I couldn't let go. Why should i have to? Why this fire? Why this sudden storm?

I searched his eyes, i searched his expression. I wanted to see if he was hurting. Was he waiting for me to take it all away? I stood still, staring at his angelic face. His delicate features.
He smiled. It was a smile that i had questioned many times before, a smile i had never understood.
It was the smile of victorious defeat. 
Almost suddenly, i drowned in pain. Pain much greater than what i had ever felt. I could hear the fire roar in my ears. The tables had turned, it seemed. 
I finally realized. 
It was not him who was burning.
 It was me.


This distance is killing me.
 The pain that i feel numbs me.
 Slow, quiet death. No one will ever know.
 I wish i could talk it out. Tell him how i feel, what i think, but I'm scared that if i do, I'll push him away. Him and everyone. Wait a minute. Isn't that what I've always wanted? I don't want everyone around. I don't want my thoughts to be heard and my words to be listened to. I want to be left alone in the rain. I want the water to soak me, cleanse me of all my impurities, my sins. The water will never be clean again. I have stained it.
 And for that, I am sorry. 
I have pushed myself into silence. Martin Luther King Jr said that Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter. But what if your silent to protect someone? To protect yourself? What if you HAVE to be silent. What if silence just cant be helped? 

Thursday, May 7, 2009

A Random Friend

In four hours, four long drawn hours that seemed like forever, i found him. I watched him surface through the pain and the betrayal. He had no scars, none on the outside at least. He emerged and held my hand. He had taken me away, taken me to that place i had always wanted to go. A place i had only heard of. He was my guide, my saviour. We sat in isolation from the world, the unbranded untouchables. A pink candle was my only source of light that Monday afternoon. He was the darkness, a darkness that didnt blind me. I felt an uneasy comfort. Was this wrong? Why do i feel safe? Insecurity had almost become a habit and yet with him there was no trace of it. 
I watched him, without realising. Observing, not staring. I would look at him and laugh. And cry. Feel wrong. And right. All the lines i had drawn were being erased. All the fences i had put up were being pulled down. Gently. I had let him into my life. I imagined myself in the 1950's, driving a Ford Edsel, the wind in my hair, inhaling clarity. I asked him if he would have wanted to know me in the 50's. He smiled. All of it felt like a dream, a nice dream, but one i couldn't control. I was flying, soaring, and i wasn't alone. He gave me something that Monday afternoon, something no one could ever give me, something no one could take away. Ask me now what exactly it was and i wont be able to tell you. Simply because i dont know. 
He was a stranger. One who, not easily might i add, but nevertheless, one who was beggining to take his mask off. He intimidates me. He scares me. Yet, in his black shadow, all i find is safety. Answers. Hope. A random smile. He is, and will forever be, my Random Friend.