I remember the first time we met. The time it really counted. My white shirt. Your black one. Looking back, the contrast always existed. Your first attempt at teaching me hindi, i was pretty successful i think. I remember the first brief hug, the anticipation of attraction. You met me again. We shared our first hookah, our first cigerette in the back alleys of def col. How cool were we? I still see that auto waiting, the dark night, the crowded streets, the muffled noises, the longing eyes.
The first Goodbye.
Then came the first text message, the first phonecall. The conversations started, the attraction grew. Distance did make the heart fonder. You helped me with my grandfather, you calmed me down. I still hear that soothing voice sometimes. I miss it. The promises of meeting again were made. Our hearts made covenants silently at midnight. You asked me that question and i gave you that answer. Two became one. I couldn't have been more happy. Every night was perfect, every breathe had a purpose. It was everything i had ever wanted. And i came back. Our first holding of hands, siting together peacefully. The first real hug, the first kiss. Gentle, slow, Hesitant. The elevator, eyes closed, scared. The drive. The beauty. You. And then you did what you did and i couldnt let go of you. It was then that i feel in love with you. I remember the rasgullas. No rasgulla had ever tasted that good. Im punjabi, what can i say? I remember the first present. How cute you looked in that shirt. A promise of being together was made with a fiery intensity.
The second Goodbye.
And then it all started. The love grew, but so did the confusion. All the misunderstandings, all the efforts to break us apart, but we still stuck together. All the secrets were shared. The late night conversations echoed. Secrets of Love and the full moon. Then came the fights, the explanations, the justifications. Still, an underlying sense of needing to make it better. To say that i wasn't leaving. I never thought i would. Then you came to me. It was all i could ever have asked for. We finally knew what it felt like to be with each other. I remember just lying with you, looking at you. Feeling you. Feeding you. Every dream was coming true. The world was perfect, you were with me. I knew then that my heart belonged to you. Everything i did was for you. I never wanted to pull away from you. The sacredness of your bracelet. You left me with a promise of change.
The third Goodbye.
It didnt get better. My birthday came and you made it special but that was it. I had to leave and you cut me out. You lied to me. You broke my trust. I had endured it for far too long. Every vision that i had of you was shattered. I broke.
The fourth Goodbye.
You continued to keep in touch, I was hesitant. I knew I would fall in love with you again. But I couldn’t help it and all the love in the world came back to me. I got back. We went back to the beginning. I knew you had sent her messages but I put that behind me. We went back all the way to the beginning. How beautiful it was. I trusted you. I believed you. And you lied to me. You still continued to message her. You hurt me. I could feel the pain. You were always just a guy playing his game. I was numb. I cried. You told me you loved me. For once, I wanted to be the only girl you were saying it to. I wanted you to just mean it.
But that isn’t the case. You have gone back to her. I have no objection, its destiny after all.
This is purely from me to you. From my heart to yours. It probably means nothing to you. My words, my feelings, my tears. I don’t expect it to. You weren’t a joke to me. You were my everything. You have already moved on and I expected nothing else.
You meant the world to me. You were my friend, the one I was in love with. What I would have done for you. This is not an attempt to get you back. This is me finally letting go. I wish you could have understood my mute language, I wish you could have heard the words I hadn’t spoken, seen the dreams I hadn’t dreamt. I wish you could have read my mind.
The dreams, the conversations, the rasgullas and the love will always stay with me. Delhi will always be associated with you. Its sad that we weren’t able to build our bridge across forever.
I have loved you like how only a woman loves a man. I have cried for you like how only a woman cries for a man. I have lived for you. And now, I am letting you go like how only a woman in love can let go of a man.
This is it.
The final Goodbye.